The Scariest Thing On Earth

No, its not the Swamp Thing either. It's the fear that comes with a sick child.
As you know, Carmen has epilepsy. She has been diagnosed for about 4 years now. They started with no warning when she was about 3.5 years old. They aren't the grand mal type where she twitches or convulses like you think of when you hear seizure. She stares off into space, unable to control what her body does. Many kids with her type of disorder go undiagnosed. Its sad but true, these types of seizures are hard to catch. Unless your like Carmen and have 3 minute long ones right off the bat.
Carmen, it would seem, has brain damage. Science hasn't advanced enough to tell us exactly how or why she has it, but it's there. As her mom I have gone through all of the doubt, worry and guilt about how I could have inflicted this upon my innocent little one. But all of that doesn't help resolve the problem at hand. Where her brain damage is, is in her front temporal lobes. Where our empathy, social grace, body language readers, appropriate responses to social settings all are. Since she has her damage there, she is awkward at times. Things that you and I take for granted she just doesn't get, and doesn't even realise its wrong or rude.. she just doesn't notice that she has hurt people feelings. And not because she is a rude person, she just literally doesn't know it. Her brain isn't wired that way. Thinks like feeling bad for others when they are crying is something she had to be taught, and repeatedly reinforced. As she grows she has to rewire her brain to function more "normal". And since she was born this way, and science is still not there yet, we don't know exactly where she will struggle and where the connections are crystal clear. Everyday is a new struggle for her, new settings, new situations and she walks blindly into them.
She has been on Trileptal (seizure medication) from the first day she was diagnosed. She has done well on it over the years. As her weight and or metabolism change we have tweaked it. One doctor even overdosed her on it, but she has responded well to this medication.
About two years ago we started her on an additional medication, Keppra, to supplement the fact that Trileptal just wasn't cutting it anymore. Keppra was amazing, it was a night and day type or response for her. Her body really liked the Keppra and we went from dealing with 2-3 seizures a day, to none. A miracle if you ask me.
But again we are at a crossroads with her. She isn't fully covered by medications anymore. She struggles to keep control of her motor skills. And is back to having 1-2 seizures a day. They aren't the full blown falling down three minute long ones, but they are scary none the less.
She knows somethings wrong with her too. She has started telling me that she feels stupid and that she hates that her brain "keeps being silly". It breaks my heart. It was bad enough carrying this burden when I knew she didn't realise she was any different, or that anything was wrong. But we are at an age that she notices, and I'm sure her classmates notice that she IS different. She is too young to fully explain what is going on, not that it would really make it any easier for her. And I don't want to make her feel more uncomfortable about this than she already does. But I feel like by leaving her in the dark, I am making this journey even harder for her.
She doesn't have many friends at school. Honestly that is partly my fault. Since she was little we have spent a good chunk of her life at doctors offices at one appointment or another. I am a control freak mother, so struggle to put her in any situation that would highlight her differences from other kids that get the normal social interactions. So I have sheltered her, more than I should have probably.
We are starting her on a new medication tomorrow. I am very nervous about this. Hopeful that this will be another miracle for her, to take her through the next few years of life without too many complications. But in the short term, I am really worried that she will be one of the few who has an allergic reactions or have a side affect that will harm her. What is best for her? Whats the worst that could happen? "What if" is a big part of my life as you can tell.
So what is my biggest fear? My little blond angel leaving me too soon. That just one seizure will take her away. That this new medication will create some kind of complication, that she will be more harmed by it than better. That IS the scariest thing on Earth.

aww dang.. I need a tissue....

The future's looking golden

Really, it is!! As our move gets closer and closer we are turning our thoughts to our future in this little town we will soon call home. We have always rented and so look forward to settling down and maybe, actually...hopefully owning a home!! I know, I'm in shock too.
We have looked around at the current home market and there are some possibilities but our list of "must haves" is a hard one to complete. We want something that is big enough, but not a monster (I don't want to have to clean all the time), it needs to have room to spread out, land (at a minimum 1 acre). Needs to be close-ish to town and in our price range. Easy peasy, right? We're not asking for much. :0)
With all of this in mind we have yet to find THE house. So our thoughts turn to property and possibly building. Land is pretty cheap out there and well so are building costs. It's actually a possibility, as scary and exciting as that is.
We have found a property that suits most all our needs and has the perk of nice neighbors! My bro and sister in law purchased the plot next to the one we want, lol.
It's five acres of relatively flat prairie land. It has enough of a rolling hill affect to make it interesting. And its golden, sigh, so pretty. I love the colors out there. The sky is so big!! The biggest I have ever seen and the land just stretches out around you. The air is clean and crisp you feel healthier just for having been there.

As with everything in our lives it comes with a catch. We have to wait (we all know how good I am at that) because since we will be getting out of the military we will be technically jobless, or newly employed, SO we have to wait to get financing before we can stake our claim on a little piece of earthly heaven.
Until then we have pictures and memories. And the excitement of where we would put what.

In this picture we are chattin with my bro and sis about the pros and con's of the property. The girls were bug hunting I believe.

The view of the closest neighbor. He is about 15 acres away. Not bad considering we haven't lived in a house without sharing at least two walls with other families in about 10 years.

Standing at the back of the property looking down the slope to the cars that are parked on the gravel road. Mind you the truck? ya its huge!!! So that will give you an idea of how much room there is on 5 acres.

 Another shot from the back, the cars on the left and in the distance the black/bluish smudges are the downtown area. Its about 10-15 minutes away from town I think.

 Rosie running around, enjoying the outdoors time and the bug hunting adventure!!

 A little pond situated on the property behind us. They run seasonal cattle through this area but the pond is full of water year round.

 The cool old fence line. Its useless when you have kids or dogs... or wild animals in the area (which you would be surprised how many roam that area) so it will have to be replaced, but I think its pretty.

 The road up to the property. Da Bro's is straight ahead and ours would be to the left of it, at the end of the road of course.

 Pretty view up from the road, nice gentle slope, pretty grass, ahhhh sigh, happiness! This would be the Bro's property.. ish. Its hard to tell when there are no real markers. Now imagine a sprawling lodge with huge windows, a nicely manicured forest of green and a shop to rival Top Gear's... yep that's our neighbors!!

More goodness. This would be our property. Cant you just picture our Victorian farmhouse with greenhouse and big shop? our orchard of fruit trees? my lilac lined driveway??? I can, just squint your eyes and use your imagination, its there I promise!

Im Horrible!!

I just realised that I never introduced the newest member of our family!! How could you guys not mention that I haven't explained how we got our sweet Sophie? Come on people, I depend on you to let me know when I'm slacking off. lol

Anyways, we will pretend that 6 months haven't passed.. Introducing the newest member of our family!

Sophie Lawson

As you can see, she isn't a puppy. She is actually about two weeks younger than Roonie. She is much smaller partly because she is a female, partly because she is from the working line of the breed, and well partly because she was malnutritioned when we got her. Poor thing.

We were contacted by our breeder, who had been contacted by someone else, that a female pyr was going to be put into a high kill shelter in the area and they were hoping to find her a forever home instead. Well, we have always said we wanted two dogs (more if I get my way) and we have to have females, long story.. So we offered to take her but were on our way out of town for my brother's wedding. The family that had her said they would keep her for two weeks till we got home.

So I went up and got her, she was super shy, underweight and covered in fleas. Poor thing didn't know how to walk on a leash, had no training at all, and her coat was a sticky yellow color.

Since we have had her she has become a central part of our lives. Roonie is in love with her, they play like siblings, fighting over the same bone when three others are laying next to them. :0)

She has gained about 30 pounds, has a beautiful coat that is continuing to come in fuller, thicker and softer. She went through puppy basics and did well, considering I had to start with issues that others created for her and what she had done for almost the first year of her life. To training her to respond to me and not think I was going to beat her (grrr it still makes me angry that someone hit her). She isn't going to be winning any obedience awards but she now walks happily on leash, responds to my commands (most of the time, lol). And she is less fearful of every noise or new object. She still barks ALOT at other dogs, we are working on her chilling out. Especially when on leash, at a heal at my side.. yah not my favorite thing she does, but like I said, she has come so far in such a short time. I am very proud of her!

She has become a big part of our lives. The girls love to have her around. Carmen feels its her job to entertain Sophie early every morning. I hear her from her room reading books to Sophie.. she doesn't want Roonie to hone in on her time though. And we all know how well the Moose does when he is being ignored, lol.

She will let you do most anything to her. Except get near her face. Poor thing was hit in the face I think, so she is really sensitive about that. Just in the last few weeks she will let you kiss the top of her head. She will let you pet it, and if she starts it you can touch her muzzle, but don't force it or she will just leave the room.

Like I said, she came to us with a whole bag of issues of her own. But she is a doll and I think she truly wants to make us happy. More so than Roonie that is. She has really come out of her shell while with us. She loves to run around the backyard and chase Roonie, biting his ankles, lol.

She loves marrow bones (not sure if she ever had one before coming to us), and string cheese. Oh and did I mention that we are her fourth owners? Ya, poor thing started to act up at the time we had had her about 3 months... get this. The breeder had her for about 3 months, then the first owner who had her for three months (who got rid of her because he broke up with this girlfriend and didn't want the dog anymore), and then the family who had her before us, at the three month mark decided they couldn't take on what she needed. So she was bounced around so much that I think she was prepping herself for us to pass her along too. Nope, sorry sweets your stuck with us for good!! (and that includes all the silly hats, headbands, and plastic jewelry the girls dress you up in)

Well, thats the story of our sweet little Sophie. She is such a sweet spirit that we cant imagine our lives without her. At this moment she is sleeping on my foot under the table. :0) Love this girl!!